October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It is a time to support survivors, mourn victims, and to educate the public about the many faces of domestic violence. As a family law attorney, I have handled countless cases involving domestic violence. These cases are the most difficult aspect of my job, especially when children are involved.
Domestic Violence crosses all boundaries of age, gender, race, ethnicity, religion, economic background, physical ability and sexual orientation. In my 28 years of family law experience, I have noticed a common pattern across the board of my clients seeking to escape their circumstances. This pattern is best described in the following stages.
Revelation: Seeing the Forst through the Trees
The first stage is recognizing that the relationship is actually abusive- or at the very least, unhealthy. Physical abuse is easily recognized because there are tangible indicators, such as, bumps, bruises, broken bones or any other physical injuries directly resulting from a physical attack. The more subtle forms of abuse are more difficult to recognize because the victim is conditioned to believe that the abuse is just their way of life. For example, they may not see financial abuse because they are told that a strict budget will lead to financial stability or prosperity. They may not recognize sexual abuse because they are conditioned to believe that it is their spousal duty to satisfy their partner no matter how they feel. Mental, emotional, and verbal abuse is rationalized with, “well I am just being overly sensitive” or “I just need to learn how to take a joke”, or “she was just upset because of ….” or “That’s just the way we talk to each other”. After months, years, or even decades of this warped normality, the victim may not even recognize that he/she is in a cycle of abuse. There are 3 phases of the cycle:
- Phase1-Tension Building: repeated and consistent stress, anger and communication breakdowns. The victim describes a feeling of “walking on eggshells”. They do their best to defuse and avoid the imminent blowup to no avail. Some of my clients have describe their decision to trigger the ultimate outcome of this phase by “intentionally” triggering the climax. This phase becomes so uncomfortable that they prefer to “just get it over with” so that they can return to the honeymoon stage again.
- Phase 2- The Incident: After the tense build-up, the abusive event finally happens. This event can take form in any form of abuse including, but not limited to, a physical assault or an extreme verbal and emotional warfare.
- Phase 3-Reconcilliation: The abuser may apologize and/or love-bomb the victim with gifts, words of affections, and promises of change. They may shift the blame to external factors, such as, stresses at work, or they may revert to gaslighting the victim to believe that it was somehow their fault, or they may guilt-trip the victim by threatening to commit suicide while begging for forgiveness.
- Phase 4-Honeymoon: The relationship briefly returns to a state of peace, tranquility, and a false sense emotional and physical safety. This is the phase that keeps the victim from leaving. “If only our relationship could always be like this, we can be so happy”
Once the victim realizes that they are living a cycle of abuse that will never change, it is up the her/him to decide to break the cycle and move on to the next stage, Determination.
Determination: Enough is Enough
Only the victim can decide when enough is enough. Only the victim can decide to permanently leave. Statistically, a victim will leave and return their abusive relationship before leaving for good. Once the decision is made, the victim must develop a safety exit plan, recognizing that the most dangerous time for a victim is during or immediately after initiating the process of leaving.
The exit plan must cater to the unique circumstances of the situation. For example, if the couple is unmarried, do not have children together and are not living together, it may just be as easy as cutting all ties by blocking numbers and social media access. If the person simply won’t go away, the victim should learn more about this state’s stalking laws and, if the behavior persists, attempt to get a stalking protective order. Violations of that order could lead to criminal prosecution. The same would be true if the couple is unmarried and are cohabitating. If that is the case, then breaking the lease or filing a partition action may be necessary. If the couple is married, the plan will involve retaining an attorney, filing a divorce action, and requesting a temporary hearing to address the temporary issues, including possession of the marital residence. Of course, things become exponentially more complicated.
Once the victim and children are safe, then it time to move to the next phase.
Deprogramming: The Light at the End of the Tunnel
This is the stage where the victim starts to transition in to survivor mode. First, acknowledging and accepting that what they experienced was real. It was not their imagination. It was not their fault. Through their support system, which may include, a therapist, trusted family and friends, and a legal team, they begin to navigate the process of beginning a life independent of their abuser. Of course, if children are involved, the couple will aways need to interact. However, certain safety protocols may be put in place to ensure that those interactions are physically and emotionally safe. We must also be mindful of the fact that the children are also victim/survivors of the relationship. The children’s emotional and physical wellbeing must also be protected, possibly with the assistance of a child therapist.
Deliverance: Reaching Survivor Status
This is the stage where the victim has physically and legally severed their relationship from their abuser, to the fullest extent possible. This is also the stage where the victim is transformed from being a “victim” to a “survivor” of domestic violence. Part of the journey includes accepting, acknowledging, and processing what has happened to them. Once that happens, the survivor can begin rebuilding their life and living a live of peace, happiness, tranquility, and success.
Message of Hope
To those who may be in an abusive or unhealthy relationship please know that you are not alone. No matter what phase there is help and plenty of resources available to you. The Georgia Domestic Violence Hotline…1-800.33-HAVEN (1.800.334.2836) is a good place to start. Please also know that our past experience shape our values, wisdom, and character, but they do not completely control our future. This one moment in time does not define your destiny.